Hi, I'm Megan, I am a 15 year old girl living in Waycross GA, I have Aspergers autism. This condition, in which I was born with, has made my life a living hell. My life is a living hell, because no one understands me... well understands what I have to go through on a daily basis. It all started when I was little, my mother was worried because I wasn't talking, and I was already 2 years old. She and my grandma took me to health center, and had me examined. It confirmed my mother's fears, that I had autism. She was afraid because she wanted me to learn and grow, and at the time, It didn't seem possible.
But by age three, and after my grandfather uttering the words in anger "Cock Sucker.." I exhibited that all important ability to communicate. The next years following that, I was in kindergarten. Teachers than noticed my inability to socialize properly with peers my age. Also my solitary nature showed up then too. It was one day where I saw an art desk, than I decided that I wanted to do my work there instead.
It was then, where teachers became concerned. Even to this day I prefer to be alone, because, I feel as I'm alone, and as if I can never trust anyone from laughing at me or abandoning me. Well with the exception of my family, I can always trust them.. any ways, I was held back, because the teachers I had didn't think I could handle being in first grade. When I finally made it, I had the worst teacher ever.
She would never help, and always at meetings with my parents would she pull out a list of all the things that were wrong with me. Constantly I would get punished, for the smallest of things, like say a messy desk. When others would have even messier desks, and she would reward them. In her class I felt inferior to others, so I bothered trying. It followed me for most of the school years after, I would cry at night silently for I felt I would never measure up to anyone's standards, and that I would always be inferior to everyone else.
School, was always my personal hell. It still is. When I was in middle school I had nice teachers that cared about me, but as my peers changed, social rules changed, and I was thrust into the world of confusion and angst that was being a teenager, my body changed in weird ways I didn't understand then. And this dawn, an awakening and awareness came to me. I wasn't inferior to anyone, there isn't anything wrong with me.
The problem is the world, they don't think that I am human, they don't think I have any rights. Conformity didn't matter any more, I grew tired of trying to pretend to be normal. Really what is normal anyway? It's a variance between everyone else, be it whether or not that person was rich or poor, a cheerleader or goth. Their lives were normal to them...so there isn't a set definition of normal.
I turned goth then when I realized that, and I grew disdainful of the world. I didn't have to please them, I wasn't there to please them. And no one was going to get there amusement at my expense. Sadly that wasn't so, because when I moved down here all these girls kept annoying me and asking me stupid questions. I had 2 nice teachers who said I was way above everyone else's level.
That summer afterward, June 18th 2008, grandfather died. It was the most horrid day of my life, the following months until September, I was depressed. I longed for death, and didn't care about anything anymore. If I wasn't at school I was in bed. Life didn't matter, all that there was a throbbing hole in my chest, that seemed to get bigger and bigger, threatening to consume me.
After that I hated myself, I still do, I grew tired of everyone and every thing. I hated myself, because I was just so hated for existing. No one would want me around, I wasn't invited to anything. Constantly, I was threatened. People said stuff to me, like I should be locked away, or I should go die. In fact this one girl threatened me with a shoe.
They were all idiots, I knew that, but I still couldn't understand why I was so blamed. People tried to manipulate me to do there bidding, and when I refused, they would laugh, and start calling me names. The black girls were always the worst. They made fun of me because I dressed gothic, asked me stupid questions that laugh, thinking that they're more sophisticated than me. Boys would start saying somebody liked me, than laugh because I was in everybody else's eyes I was the most wretched thing on earth.
And teachers there never did anything about it, only I would get punished. It took 5 phone calls, and threat of a lawsuit to end it.
When I met my boyfriend, his flirtatious advances felt weird. I wasn't used to being called beautiful, or having being desired before, I just believed that I was the scum of the earth and I didn't deserve it. Yet, with him I felt happy, like as if nothing else mattered.
I'll finish this later..
MeganW 17:30, 28 May 2009 (UTC)